how my yoga practice transformed my ability to process stress and trauma

I have spent the bulk of my life living in fight or flight or in my case… freeze. I didn’t have the words to describe it back then—but I remember always being on edge. Tense. Jumping at the slightest movements previously undetected in my peripheral vision. Flinching whenever someone touched me. Bracing myself for pain because that was what I grew accustomed to as a child. I held my breath so often that to this day my unconscious breath is so shallow, conscious breathing is the only way I can really come up for air.

Yoga taught me how to breathe.

There was so much I held in and was forced to keep below the surface. Emotions unexpressed, painful memories unprocessed and repressed. I had to keep it down for survival. I remember the moment I went numb, when I decided I wouldn’t give my parents the satisfaction of seeing me cry because I was convinced that they enjoyed it. Numb became my default through childhood, through adolescence, and through early adulthood. Numb as a safety mechanism.

Yoga taught me how to allow feelings to come and go.

I became so good at being numb that I began to dissociate. I would leave my body and witness events unfolding around me, only I wasn’t an active participant, just a viewer of the sad movie that was my life. I became so good at dissociating that it became involuntary. I would dissociate in the middle of lectures. In the middle of work meetings. In the middle of outings with friends. My body was there but the sensory input would not register while my mind was completely wrapped within a thought or a memory.

Yoga taught me how to stay grounded in the present moment.

Yoga isn’t a cure. The ways that I have adapted are still my unconscious defaults, especially under a lot of stress. But now, I have tools that can help me to consciously navigate the present day. To live life within our shared physical reality. To communicate with my body’s intuition. To feel at home in the flesh. To engage with the full range of human emotion.

Yoga taught me how to feel safe within my body. But it still isn’t easy. It’s a choice I choose to make repeatedly. To inhale—allow and exhale—let go. And to do this over and over again… to stay anchored in my body.

Originally posted on my Substack publication: open self-love. Read more of my reflections on complex trauma here.